more than words

ugh.

2012-01-30T15:31:00.000-06:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Robin on Pinterest

it's that last part that got me. that 'forgive yourself' part. i make so many mistakes every day and i know i'm going to make more tomorrow. but it's just so hard to keep forgiving yourself for potentially screwing your kids up.

only the beginning of the end

2012-01-27T19:31:00.002-06:00

first, a disclaimer. the following post does not depict my true self. it is only a reflection on how i felt today, as my brain malfunctioned yet again.

when i reach a certain point of fatigue and stress, i snap. i know what you're thinking. you're thinking, "who doesn't?" and i suppose that's true. but for me, it's different. for me, it could be a matter of life and death. i know that sounds dramatic, but on a lot of levels, it's true.

today wasn't the worst day i've had, but by the time tim came home from work, i was spent. i was sitting on the kitchen floor, my back to the warm stove (in which i'd tossed a frozen pizza). i had run out of strength to even stand. from where i sat, i could see a half bottle of wine on the counter. i considered guzzling it to numb my brain, but i couldn't reach it. it's for the best. i'm sure tim would have just loved to come home to a drunk wife lying on the kitchen floor.

somehow tim's presence made everything better for a while and we made it through supper without too many mishaps. but afterwards i needed to lie down again to fight the fog that plagues me. and lying there, in the dark, all i wanted to do was smash my head repeatedly into my night stand, or the window... anything hard enough to create a different kind of pain.

once the good part of my brain convinced the bad part of my brain that this was a terrible idea, i got up. i had to make myself active to distract my brain or something. and then i considered talking to my doc about upping my dosage. my bad days are few and much farther between, but when they do happen, i can't help but feel like my meds aren't doing all they can do. then i reminded myself that the meds are not a cure-all, but merely an aid on the road to recovery.

it's weird, you know, because the moment thoughts of self-harm enter my mind, i know they are not mine. i know that that is not the way to handle things, and yet sometimes that side of me wins out. sometimes i do end up acting out on those hormonally-charged feelings. for me, that's the scariest part of mental illness; knowing that i could cause something terrible to happen, and that all the while i'll know i shouldn't be doing it.

i take comfort in the fact that i've been surviving this illness for over three years and nothing life-threatening has happened yet. and seeing as how i'm on the other side of this long, dark tunnel, i think i can safely say that nothing ever will. but that doesn't mean that those thoughts aren't still with me from time to time.

i guess i was fooling myself when i thought i was completely better because i'm on the right medication. it takes more than that. it takes prayer, it takes support, and it takes time. it's too easy to start thinking that the illness is behind me. that's when i over-do it and end up crashing.

i think there's a part of me that would rather do too much than too little. i push myself. i put too much pressure on myself. and i think i've even pressured myself to 'get better' for the sake of the kids, or for tim, or for a 'normal' life or whatever. i don't know if i'll ever be 'normal' again. and i guess i need to start being okay with that. it's really only the beginning of the end of this mess.

no resolutions

2012-01-22T21:45:00.001-06:00

i'd like to say that 2012 will be the year that i'll be in the best physical condition that i've been in in a long time. after all, isn't that the typical new years resolution? but i'm not going to make promises to myself that i cannot keep.

i can, however, say that in 2012 i'll be in the best mental condition that i've been in in a long time. chemically aided, to be sure. and at this point, that's more important to me.

besides, skinny isn't the only pretty.

stuff & things

2012-01-18T22:34:00.000-06:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about stuff and things. i'm not trying to be vague when i say that. i really mean 'stuff' and 'things'. material possessions. stuff. and things.

compared to most of the world, i have a lot. i want for nothing. christmas and my birthday have just come and gone. on both occasions i was gifted with many things that i wanted and some things that i felt that i needed. and this past weekend i got to go away with some girlfriends (yay!) to the world's (no longer) largest mall. i had a hard time buying anything. there wasn't anything that i really needed. that's not to say that i didn't make any purchases. there are some really good sales at this time of year, and i definitely partook of them. but i could have come home empty-handed and i would have been just as well-off. i don't need anything.

but my biggest fear is of losing something.

and by 'something', i mean my kids or my husband or someone else close.

i can't even think about what that kind of loss would do to me. i'm in too fragile a state. and i say that knowing that God may think differently and decide to test me; i constantly need to remind myself that God is not spiteful and that there is a reason for everything He allows to happen even though we may never know what that reason may be.

today would have been my dad's fifty-first birthday. we are approaching the fifth anniversary of his passing (valentines day), and yet the heartache of losing him still stings. i don't think my heart could handle more loss at this point.

we fill our lives with stuff and things, when really, the most important parts of our lives are the people who are in it. and i need to get reacquainted to some of those who are in my life. mental illness can make one a self-centred being.

praise God from Whom all blessings flow.

wow

2012-01-06T21:50:00.000-06:00

i'm absolutely losing my mind.

today, i walked into the bathroom and turned on the tap thinking it would turn the light on.

..what?!

so long 2011

2011-12-31T16:47:00.001-06:00

twenty-eleven was good to us. new house, new job for tim, many safe travels, tim's thesis done and happy, healthy kids.

and i started to come out the other side of my darkness. awesome.

no, really, it's beyond awesome.

so here's one photo from each month, to recap.

the (red-eyed!) kids in january:

in january we decided to move out of our little five-plex and into a house... we then spent the next four months anxiously awaiting our move date. torture!

us in february:

...i don't remember anything that happened in february.

must have been an exciting month. i think mr.cheeks learned to crawl, or something.

dimples in march:

he turned three! wow. where does time go?!

oh, and we celebrated christmas with my family, who couldn't get together until then.

we called it marchmas. it was awesome.

the kids, in a box, in april:

in april, we packed. and packed some more. the kids had fun in boxes.
on the last day of the month, we moved to our awesome new house.

may, in our new house:

tim, cutting dimples' name into the grass.

oh, how we love our yard, but it takes forever to mow.

also, my sister moved into our basement temporarily. we loved having her around.

tim and me, in june:

...again, not sure what we did, other than enjoy our new house.

oh, and i started on drugs around this time. the wrong drugs.

maybe that's why i don't remember stuff.

in july, celebrating mr.cheeks' first birthday:

we travelled quite a bit in july. none of it was planned, and all of it was awesome.

august, on a road trip:

yeah... we hit a falcon.

and some other stuff happened, but after seeing this epic moment, who cares?!

dimples, in september:

his first day of preschool.

dragon-baby and dimple shark, in october.

other stuff happened too, like seeing all of tim's family at thanksgiving.

the boys in november:

we got our first snowfall of the season and it was a ton. and we've had basically none since.

oh, and tim turned thirty and i turned thirty-one.

family pic in december:

this was the photo i intended to send out with christmas cards, but... yeah.

let's just say the christmas cards are still on my desk.

in related news, tim spent the whole year writing his thesis, and finished just today.

the end.

ha!

2011-12-30T08:45:00.000-06:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Vicki on Pinterest

i think i'd need to increase my dosage in order to get to this point! ha.

merry christmas!

2011-12-24T08:36:00.000-06:00

take that, science

2011-12-20T12:50:00.002-06:00

sometimes i envy working moms. and by 'working moms', i mean those who work for money outside the home. all moms are working moms, some just don't get paid for the work they do. at least not monetarily. (i like to think that i get paid with the pleasure that my kids bring me and being able to be with them for every milestone... government subsidies don't hurt either - o canada, how i love thee.)

and then i realize that working outside the home just isn't for me. at least not while my boys are small. some people (like me) just weren't built for that. and there's nothing wrong with that. nor is there anything wrong with wanting to work or needing to earn money. the most important thing is that we don't lump all moms together. each one has a different situation and a different personality.

i read an article yesterday about how a new study shows that working moms are happier than stay-at-home moms and i really don't know how they can quantify that. the study claims that stay-at-home moms "may be more socially isolated than working moms, which might increase their chances of being depressed".

there are a few things wrong with this statement, in my opinion. first of all, it's a gross generalization. second, in my own life, i find that i am more social now, as a sahm than i was when i was working. there are plenty of opportunities for sahm's to socialize. it's just a matter of wanting to seek them out. just because we don't mingle with coworkers doesn't mean we're anti-social.

also. i feel the need (again) to clarify that depression is a chemical disorder. in many instances, environment plays a role, yes. but whether or not i had been working out of the home would not have made a difference in whether or not i suffered from ppd. actually, let me correct that statement: i probably would have begun to suffer sooner, since i would likely have quit nursing sooner, and that was the trigger for me both times.

they also make the claim that, "Stay-at-home moms might also be under more stress as a result of being at home with their children all day. This stress may be relieved somewhat when their children start school, which may explain why the link [to depression] disappeared when children entered preschool". i think i would be more stressed outside the home, thinking about what my children were up to, if they were being well cared for, wondering what i was missing out on and debating whether the measly paycheque was worth it. and how, exactly, staying at home more stressful than the alternative? someone please tell me.

and as for depression disappearing when the kids enter preschool? could that not also be linked to the amount of time that has passed and hormones having a chance to regulate during that time?

obviously i'm not a scientist. but i really feel as though this study should have covered a broader scope of moms.

and let me say that i have no disrespect for those who work outside the home, lest there be some heated debate sparking somewhere in the blogsphere. whether for financial reasons or just in order to stay sane, some moms need an outside job. in the same way, some moms need to stay home. but i don't think that any of us should be lumped together.

yes, i suffer from a post-partum mood disorder. no, it is not because i stay at home with my kids. yes, my kids can be frustrating at times, but what kids aren't? in my case, any paycheque i earned would go straight to a babysitter that gets to have all the quality time with my kids that i want for myself. so i just can't do it. and if that means going out less and living more cheaply in general, then so be it. because for me, part of my happiness comes in staying home with my kids.

but that's just me. and that's all there is to it.

gettin' my bake on

2011-12-14T16:41:00.000-06:00

i'm taking inspiration from my sister-in-law, jen. since i've already posted about the christmas crafty things i've done lately, i thought she had a good idea posting her christmas baking - recipes included! (her post is about super easy stuff - check it out!) so i'm copying her. and here are my creations, in no particular order. all photos except the ones embedded from pinterest were taken by me on my crappy camera. even still, they turned out not bad! (they don't do justice to the flavours you'll be missing out on, though!)

peanut butter pretzel bites.

Source: familyfun.go.com via Robin on Pinterest

and these other pretzel bites.

seven layer bars. yum.

tiger butter. mm-mm-good.

(it should be noted that the recipe i linked is not the recipe i use, but is the closest i could find online. i use crunchy p.b. and add craisins.)

and. i need to add something i've made a few times and is always a hit.

cinnamon roll cake.

Source: cookinupnorth.blogspot.com via Robin on Pinterest

the most amazing coffee cake i have ever had.

try it. i dare you.

(and try not to think about how much butter and sugar goes into it.)

anyway. that's only the beginning. this week i'll be making snickerdoodles, my version of peppernuts (more like a chocolate chip cookie) and butter tarts... where will i find the time?! i don't know why i do this to myself every year. oh wait. yes, i do. it's because i love food!

gettin' my craft on

2011-12-10T09:56:00.001-06:00

as requested (by karina!), here's a little ditty about all the crafty things i've done recently.
click on any picture to see a larger version. enjoy!

christmas balls on our chandelier.
not really a 'craft', but i did get the idea from pinterest!

from ishareprintables - for my grandparents (shh!)

and another one for our wall

some christmas cards

these are just a few of the salt dough ornaments we made. dimples painted the tree. others are already wrapped as gifts. next year i'll do the dough a little differently, but these will do for now!

wood blocks and stamped bag...
i'm thinking i will paint one more block and add the letters n-o-e-l.

dimples' christmas tree, cut from a cereal box and decorated with stickers, etc.

lights in a jar. also not 'craft' but another pinterest idea.

and finally, the popsicle stick snowflakes i've mentioned before.

i'm nowhere near done all the christmas cards i need to make and time is running out! we're hoping to take some family photos today that i can include with them, so if that all works out and i get the cards done in the next few days, then some of you will be receiving one soon! fingers crossed.

edit: i knew i forgot something! this is a christmas tree i made out of clay pots.
(dimples really wanted to be in the picture.)

keep calm and craft on

2011-12-07T13:33:00.001-06:00

i bought myself a glue gun last night. i'm beginning to think of it as a necessity. so many things to do that involve hot glue! who knew? crafting is an important outlet for me. it recharges me. even if i don't come up with the idea on my own, just having made something myself is so satisfying. i don't think i can even count the number of things i've made in the past few months. and that is just too awesome.

i can not express how much i love pinterest. i spend wayyy too much time there, but i have come across so many brilliant things/ideas that i think it is worth the time. any time i make/do something new, tim says to me, "pinterest?" because we both know i'm better at copying other people's ideas than coming up with my own. but don't tell anyone else that.

Source: Uploaded by user via Robin on Pinterest

oh snap

2011-12-05T15:52:00.001-06:00

i'm already at my limit for today.

on really good days, i max out around bedtime. my bedtime. on average days, the tipping point is at the kids' bedtime. but on days like today, when i've had no sleep the night before and neither did the baby... well, it's more like 3pm.

i feel like i'm at a tough place right now, parenting-wise. that is not to say that other people don't have it rougher. but having a seventeen month old that doesn't sleep well and a three and a half year old (that should speak for itself) is far from easy. especially when we're cooped up inside on a cold winter's day.

when i hit my wall today, i snapped. i yelled. at dimples. i don't even know what for. he says to me, "what's wrong with you?!" and without thinking, i said, "your attitude is what's wrong with me!" he then picked up his doctor's kit, sat down beside me and said, "no really mommy. what's wrong with you? i want to fix you."

wow. shame/guilt/regret/tears/etc.

i had to tell him, "i'm sorry, buddy. mommy's brain is broken."

"i know that," he said. "i'll see what i can do." and he then proceeded to give me a check-up. he even checked my reflexes with a toy hammer.

i'm a work in progress. and apparently my reflexes are out of whack. maybe in the future i'll learn how to better react when i have no patience. in the meantime, it's good to have someone like dimples around to keep me in check. praise the Lord that he still loves me at the end of the day. three-year-olds are amazingly forgiving.

my favourite week of the year

2011-12-04T15:35:00.001-06:00

i have had the most incredible week. something amazing happens at this time every year: i get even more awesome.

kidding.

the thing is, tim's birthday is two days before mine, so we usually end up celebrating for about week. we get to spend different days with each of our families, have a few dates, and celebrate with friends who also have birthdays at this time of year (there are a lot of us valentine's babies!). it's pretty awesome.

i've always liked birthdays. mine, in particular. i mean really, why shouldn't i celebrate me?

(ha! i'm really not as conceited as i sound today. in fact, it's probably a defence mechanism of sorts.)

back to the point.

after this week's events, i am refreshed. i've crafted (a lot). i've gotten away on several dates with my amazing husband. i've slept in. i've read (a little). i've baked. i've participated in a talent night (something i don't think i've ever done before). i've been showered with cards and gifts and well-wishes, and people have sung 'happy birthday' to me every other day for a week. i feel so loved.

and the best part about all of it is that i feel more 'me' than ever at this point in my life. people often spend the majority of their teens and twenties trying to figure out who they are and where they want to be and who they want to be with. and i am done with that.

it's really nice to be done with that. i can just be me now, in all my glory and splendour. ha!

31

2011-11-30T22:02:00.001-06:00

Today is my thirty-first birthday. And my cup overflows.

to get through the day

2011-11-29T16:27:00.001-06:00

i like to tell myself that i don't gorge on sweets, but it isn't true. they soothe me. kids throwing tantrums at the same time? have a caramel. ahh. endorphins. kids making a ginormous mess by dumping out every toy they own five minutes before daddy comes home? scarf a tootsie roll. more endorphins. kids refusing to listen when you've asked them a bajillion times to sit down/be quiet/stop that/come here/insert-your-request-here? devour a cookie.

and if i don't have any of those sweets in the house? make some. or a handful of chocolate chips will do. there really is something about candy-induced endorphins that make a difficult day just a little bit easier to handle.

in other news, our kids were away at their grandparents' place for four days. four days. four.

and we accomplished nothing. aside from getting sleep, that is. and watching tv when i wanted to and eating all my meals in the living room. okay, i made a few christmas cards. and tim worked on his thesis. but that's it. i had this huge to-do list that i was going to conquer and nothing got crossed off of it.

and you know what? i needed the break. so i refuse to feel guilty about it.

just like i refuse to feel guilty about gorging on sweets every now and then. that's all there is to it.

wordless wednesday

2011-11-23T18:05:00.001-06:00

blank

2011-11-22T16:55:00.001-06:00

don't you hate when you're lying in bed at night and you think of a bajillion things you want to say but you're too tired to get up and write them down? and then in the morning you have absolutely no recollection of any of those thoughts that seemed so profound at the time?

happens to me almost every night.

granola saga

2011-11-16T07:57:00.001-06:00

my entire house is littered with sticky pieces of granola bar. pieces tiny enough that you don't notice them until they are stuck to your sock. i've been picking them out of the carpet and frequently changing my socks for the last few days.

the thing is, mr.cheeks has found a way to tell me that he wants a snack: he brings me a granola bar from the pantry. this happens several times a day. he only actually gets to eat one, but that doesn't stop him from getting them out. it's the only food within his reach that is also easy for him to lift (the massive tub of animal cookies from costco is just a little too heavy). good thing he can't open them himself yet. i offer him other snacks, but he likes them so much that he often refuses to eat anything else.

i unwittingly made the mistake of letting him wander around the house with a fistful of one. it's amazing how little granola bar you actually need to make a ginormous mess.

kind of like how one measly chocolate chip can cover a baby's entire face.

there are chocolate chips in the granola bars.

now imagine how much cleaning up i've been doing when mr.cheeks eats one of these granola bars every day.

gotta find a new place for those things.

today's numbers

2011-11-14T10:12:00.001-06:00

i feel like i've had the most productive day ever. i'm aware that some people may not find my following list very impressive. but i impressed myself, and that is why i'm writing about it. and i'm the only one who's opinion really matters here anyway ;)

by eight forty five i had had two cups of coffee and a shower and everyone was dressed. normally this is no feat, but on days like today when we have nowhere to be, it usually gets put off.

then i did five loads of laundry, which included all the bedding from my bed. i unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher and washed the dishes that were leftover. twice. i swept the floor three times. cleaned up all the toys four times. i fed the boys five times. i made one loaf of banana bread. i read endless amounts of stories endless amounts of times. i changed four sets of poopy pants, including one from my so-close-to-being-trained toddler. i picked up three packages at the post office. i painted three clay pots for a project-for-another-day. and i completed these three beauties, which i started last night:

cool, hey? found the tutorial on pinterest. big surprise.

so. why can't every day feel this good?!

also, i thought i'd add a picture of our tree (the most real-looking artificial tree i have ever seen!) and our outdoor lights (which always look blurry when i take photos of them). there's another pinterest goodie in these photos; you get a prize if you can find it.

gettin' festive

2011-11-12T10:48:00.001-06:00

last weekend we bought a christmas tree. it's the first artificial tree i've ever had in my life. it was a sad moment for me, but at the same time i look forward to not having to clean up pine needles until april. we'd been looking around for the best looking tree for the best deal and found it at costco. the trick was getting it home. in the end, tim squished into the backseat between the carseats, and i drove with the tree as my copilot. we had to move the passenger seat all the way back and recline it all the way and remove the headrest. and it was still a tight squeeze. it was a long one-hour drive for tim, let me tell you. i don't know what we were thinking.

at any rate, we got it home and today we will put it up.

yes, today.

here's the thing: my birthday is at the end of the month and i've spent thirty years trying to separate it from christmas. meaning that i have been adamant that no decorations of any kind are to grace my abode until after my birthday has passed. that was all well and good when you couldn't buy your tree too early anyway, or it would dry out before christmas.

now we can put it up whenever we want to and not worry about watering it or having needles fall off every time someone breathes too hard.

and apparently the general consensus is that it's okay to start decorating for christmas as soon as remembrance/veterans day has passed. at least according to my very scientific facebook poll.

and since we've been listening to christmas music and doing christmas baking/crafts for weeks already, i figure it's time to put up the decorations that go along with it. also, my birthday will always be three weeks before christmas. i can't change that. no sense putting off celebrating Jesus because of it. :)

wednesday words

2011-11-09T19:41:00.001-06:00

i am the mother of one boy who won't eat and one boy who won't sleep.

miraculously, the one-who-won't-sleep napped for two and half hours this afternoon. and now he won't go to sleep at bedtime. awesome.

and i made nachos for supper. nachos. and the one-who-won't-eat still didn't eat. he wouldn't even eat chips for supper. what am i supposed to do with that?

to top it all off, my brain decided to malfunction today. meaning that i snapped easily, yelled a lot, and couldn't shake my fatigue.

i found this quote by jim henson yesterday (another pinterest find; i spend wayyy too much time there).

it only reinforced in me the need to get through this thing. i really don't want my kids to think i'm an angry person. and i really, really don't want them to hate me because they don't understand my illness.

maybe part of me wanted to write so that they might know how much i love them; how much i tried to be a great mom; how much i struggled daily just to get out of bed.

i don't want any pity. i don't even want attention. i just want to educate. and most of all, i want to get better.

maybe i'm asking to have my cake and eat it too.

wordless wednesday

2011-11-09T08:14:00.001-06:00

post-it note tuesday

2011-11-08T09:39:00.000-06:00

be bold

2011-11-04T19:07:00.004-06:00

sometimes i'm amazed at the kind of courage you can have behind the facelessness of the inter-web. it's so difficult to talk about hard stuff in person. but the freedom that comes from having people know what you are going through is really... well, freeing. and it's easier to let stuff out when you've had time to think about what you want to say. and then you can edit and re-edit before you actually publish. i often have blogger's remorse, even after i've thought for days about what i'm going to post. by hitting that 'publish' button, i'm making myself vulnerable. that's a hard thing for someone as guarded as me.

and yet i've seen over and over again how valuable that vulnerability has been for me. the understanding, the compassion, the empathy and education that has been brought out of my situation makes me want to encourage others to tell their story. to encourage others to get past the guilt and shame that this condition brings. one in seven mothers suffer from some form of perinatal mood disorder. and i know i'm not the only one in my circle of friends who has suffered.

it's more common than you think. and it's not your fault.

have courage. stand together. we can kick this thing in the butt.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

~Hebrews 10:24-25

voluntary insomniac

2011-10-31T19:52:00.001-06:00

everyone knows i love my kids. it doesn't take much for me to remember why i love being a mom: a little snuggle or hearing, 'i love you, mommy' really goes a long way. but sometimes, being a parent really sucks.

for example: i feel like i've been awake for four years. no one can prepare you for that. before you have kids, you are told over and over again that there will be sleepless nights, but you can't really know what it feels like until it's happening to you.

also. the crying and the screaming. the stench of soiled diapers. the fevers and puking. the breastfeeding. (ugh, the breastfeeding... it really isn't for everyone.) the mess that comes along with eating. and playing. the mess in general. the way that everything has to be put up out of reach of little hands. did i mention the lack of sleep? oh, and don't forget the hormonal turmoil that you will put your body through.

and yet, through all the ups and downs (mostly downs) that i have had, not once have i ever regretted our decision to have kids. while the hard stuff is often harder than i thought it would be, the love i have for them is more than i could have even dreamed possible.

just imagine how much more love God has for His children.

wait and see

2011-10-29T07:45:00.000-06:00

i got almost six hours of sleep last night. i don't remember the last time i got that much. i feel (almost) rested for once.

i don't want to give too much credit to it just yet, but we got mr.cheeks a hazelwood necklace yesterday. supposedly they help with teething pain. up until now, we've been leery to try it, but at this point we feel we've tried everything. and we're exhausted. our sanity was worth twenty bucks to us. so maybe, just maybe, it's the reason he slept. it wouldn't be a centuries-old native american remedy for nothing... right?

wandering babies

2011-10-27T14:28:00.000-06:00

if you haven't already seen this blog, you need to check it out. it has got to be the most hilarious blog i have ever read. that may be because i also have two boys about the ages of her boys, and i can relate to 99.9% of what she post. perhaps if you are not a parent it's not as funny. at any rate, i just had to share one of the pictures from the post she did today. it's a drawing of her kids trick-or-treating last year, and i laugh out loud every time i look at it. notice the little pumpkin baby wandering into the house. this is *exactly* what mr.cheeks would do. in fact, he has done this in different settings. it's nice to know i'm not the only one collecting my baby from places he shouldn't be :)

wordless wednesday

2011-10-26T14:48:00.002-06:00

the very least

2011-10-24T13:27:00.000-06:00

today is 'let-the-kids-watch-a-movie-because-mommy-feels-like-crap' day.

normally i try to limit the amount of television that they watch, but on days like this i just don't care. i am also not going to get to the piles of laundry or dishes that taunt me from the other room. some days you just gotta give in to your body. i can't tell if it's one of the many viruses kicking around town, or if i'm just overtired. mr.cheeks has been getting up in the middle of the night every night for... well, for most of his life. just when you think they're going to sleep through the night, something new wakes them up. teething, a cold, separation anxiety... you name it.

this time around he has a cold. and a gross one, at that. he's been snotting all over the furniture for the last few days. funny how he screams when i try to wipe his nose with a kleenex, and yet he has no problem rubbing his snot into my shoulder, the couch, the carpet... where ever. as long as it isn't into a kleenex. i swear i change my shirt at least twice a day.

at least he's still napping well. and at least dimples is easy to entertain. and at least i can blog from the couch. and at least i can get away with doing the very least for one day.

side note

2011-10-20T20:09:00.000-06:00

i've been working on updating the blog i have for my kids... i hardly ever venture there anymore. so. that being said, it has been given a face lift and a renewed purpose. it also has a new address. it is also no longer 'invites only'. so check it out at my quotable kids.

validated

2011-10-18T08:32:00.000-06:00

Source: oopsredone.blogspot.com via Vanessa on Pinterest

this is SO us right now. i found this on pinterest (my new guilty pleasure) and loved it. it made me feel validated, somehow. as much as i stress about how i've got to be the worst housekeeper in the world, my kids are happy and healthy. and that is more important than my sticky floors.

what's good?

2011-10-15T11:00:00.003-06:00

i know that our thanksgiving was last weekend, but i've been reflecting on it all week.

a friend mentioned that something her house church likes to do when they get together is talk about what's good, instead of complaining about how crappy or stressful, etc. their week has been. we then visited this theme at our seminary morning of prayer this week.

"good" is often our default answer to "hey, how's it going?" it's become a cultural thing, but it's not necessarily a true statement. and if it does happen to be the truth, then what is it that's good? and have we stopped to thank God for all that is good in our lives?

when we are hurting or in trouble, it seems easy to cry out to God for help. but how often do we stop to thank Him for what He does for us? for providing for us or for our health, etc.? i know i don't thank Him enough. human tendency is to want what we don't have, and to complain more often than not. i know i am especially guilty of this.

so, what's good?

i'd like to say my health, but we all know that i'm struggling with a perinatal mood disorder and i currently have a head cold. (is that complaining or just factual?) i guess i should thank Him that it's not any worse than it is. but my kids are healthy. mentally and physically. so praise God for that.

my marriage is good. great, in my opinion. i am married to a fantastic, wise, funny man who loves me the way i am. i'm sure he gets frustrated by our situation more than he likes to let on, but he has stuck with me thus far. he is my best friend and i am thankful for that.

some other good things: i live in a great house in a great town in a great country. i have a family that loves me and supports me and prays for me. i have friends that do the same. i have food to eat every day and a warm bed to sleep in. i want for nothing. and jesus loves me.

all of this reminds me of the jann arden song, 'good mother'. it goes like this:

i've got money in my pocket.
i like the colour of my hair.
i've got a friend who loves me.
got a house, i've got a car.
i've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.
...if you knew me you'd know
i've got a good father
and his strength is what makes me cry.
feet on ground, heart in hand
facing forward, just be yourself.

so let me ask you: what's good? and have you thanked God for it today?

a new day

2011-10-12T20:32:00.002-06:00

i think someone's been praying for me.

my brain functioned somewhat normally today.

recently i have had more days like today than days like yesterday.

on days days like today, i can't get enough of these little guys.

on days like today, i have so much patience it surprises even me.

these days are full of laughter.

on days like today, no one gets punished and no one yells.

no doors are slammed and no one assumes fetal position to get past a bad moment.

on days like today, i can't wait for tim to come home;

not so he can rescue me from the chaos, but because i just can't wait to see him.

on days like today, i seem to be able to rise above my illness.

i love days like this.

part of me

2011-10-11T22:01:00.001-06:00

On days like today I feel like I'm just not cut out to be a mother.

I'm sure all moms have moments when they feel like that, but my messed up brain makes me truly believe it. And in that moment of belief, I just want to die. Not really. Really it's just that I want that part of me to die; the part that can't seem to push past my anger. The part that finds my children annoying rather than endearing. The part that seems to forget that my oldest is only three and a half and really doesn't know better. The part of me who is angry with God for allowing me to be this way.

That's the part of me that I am fighting against everyday. That's the part that I don't want my children to remember, or my husband to have to come home to.

Mental illness sucks. I hate days like this.

world mental health day

2011-10-10T20:46:00.000-06:00

today is world mental health day. a day where people come together to raise public awareness about mental health issues, and promote open discussion of mental disorders. in fact, there is an entire community of bloggers who have banded together for this occasion and you can find links to their posts here.

i wish i had more time to come up with some original words for this event, but instead i'm going to re-direct you to this awesome post that i came across at mypostpartumvoice.com. it struck me because i was also told that my faith was the reason for my mood disorder, and that i, too, needed to pray harder and ask God for forgiveness for my sins before i would be healed. the author hits the nail on the head for me. i could not have said it better myself.

"I hope against hope that one day, within the faith community as a whole, there WILL be a day when all will be accepted equally. When those of us with mental health struggles will not be told we can solve it with simply praying harder. That we will not be told medications are evil. That there will be a day when, instead, we will be loved, accepted, cherished, and given a place we can rest as we heal." - my postpartum voice

psalm 121

2011-10-09T13:07:00.001-06:00

i lift my eyes up
to the mountains
where does my help come from?

my help comes from You
Maker of heaven
Creator of the earth

is it really?

2011-10-07T08:02:00.000-06:00

if you know anything at all about mood disorders, consider the following statement:

"attitude is a choice".

um... yeah.

not always.

i was recently part of a group that was being led in a devotional about thanksgiving. while i do agree that we need to be thankful to God in all circumstances, i have some issues with the aforementioned statement.

it's like being told that you can wish your way out of mental illness.

i don't believe that is always possible. while i do believe that God heals and that miracles do happen, i don't believe that a chemical imbalance can always be prayed away. nor can it be wished away. or talked away. sometimes God's answer to your prayer is through scientists who create drugs to help our brains.

when i was in the depths of my bout with ppd, i was told by some that perhaps i wasn't praying enough. really? because i felt like that was all i was doing.

and in one parenting article, i read that i should have a glass of wine and get out with some friends. i don't like wine. so how is that supposed to help? were they trying to convince me that getting drunk would fix my brain? wow, that's really scientific. and while social activities may provide a temporary release from your situation, they do not solve any underlying issues.

i can tell you one thing for certain, and that is that i sure did not feel like i had a choice when it came to my attitude. that is the whole nature of a mood disorder, is it not?

so. i understand what the point of the devotional was. but in my opinion, telling someone who has a mood disorder that 'attitude is a choice' is a bit of a mistake. it only makes them feel like more of a failure than they already do.

i'm just saying.

strong start day

2011-10-05T12:40:00.000-06:00

more babies are born on october fifth than any other day of the year. did you know that? (new years eve babies, apparently.) this week is also mental illness awareness week. it is for this reason that today is strong start day at postpartum progress.

the resources i found at postpartum progress not only encouraged me greatly, but helped me realize how i need to help others like me. it was extremely encouraging to know that i am not an anomaly; that there are so many others like me. unfortunately, so many of those who are hurting don't know why or how to fix it. please stop by there and see how you can help raise awareness about postpartum depression/anxiety and help other suffering mommas like me to get the help they need.

i suffered in silence for three years. no one else should ever have to do that. eliminate the stigma. educate the masses. let's kick this thing in the butt!

"Currently, only 15% of women with postpartum depression ever get the help they need. That's not enough. We want more women to be aware of the variety of risk factors and symptoms of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, to know where to go for help, and to be able to find the support they need. When they have this information and support, they'll be able to recover fully and their families will get off to a much-deserved stronger start." - Katherine Stone, Postpartum Progress.

post-it note tuesday

2011-10-04T11:48:00.000-06:00

you can do it too!

no solitude

2011-10-02T14:04:00.002-06:00

i can't pee alone. and by can't i mean that i am quite capable, but i tend to have a following. it seems that one or both children must accompany me to the bathroom, even when i've tried my best to sneak in there. my privacy only ever lasts a max of twenty seconds. the main problem is that there is no lock on the door of our en suite. so there's no banging on the door, only busting in.

here are the things most often said when i'm trying to relieve myself:

what does it look like i'm doing?
can i have some privacy, please?
no, mr. cheeks! don't unroll the toilet paper.
get out! i'll be done in a second.
yes, i can get you a snack, but not while i'm on the toilet.
must you watch me wipe?
good grief, get out!
stop playing in the toilet water! (...obviously this happens after i get up)
do not pull mommy's things out from under the sink. those are not stickers!
get out get out get out!

needless to say, i do not take my quiet time in the bathroom like some other moms that i know do. then again, even if the door did lock, it probably wouldn't be quiet time; just listening-to-the-banging-on-the-door time.

oh, the glamorous life of a mother.

papasan moments

2011-09-30T18:44:00.002-06:00

we have a papasan chair. it is the ultimate in comfortable. when i was pregnant, i needed help to get out of it, but that did not sway me from getting in it in the first place. my kids love it, and often curl up in it to read. even mr. cheeks:

and at least once a day, one or both of them will bring me a book and we'll curl up in it together and read. well today, dimples and i read dr. seuss story after dr. seuss story, and then i got up to get mr. cheeks up from his nap and came back to find dimples like this:

fast asleep. tuckered out from an afternoon filled with fun. so precious that i just had to take a photo. moments like this (and the moments leading up to it) are ones i want to cherish.

me time

2011-09-29T14:10:00.003-06:00

there are a few fleeting moments in every day where i get to have some time to myself. take now, for instance. dimples is at preschool, mr. cheeks is napping, tim has made me a fantastic caramel latte before disappearing into the office to work on his thesis. the house is quiet, there is very little mess. there's a load of laundry going, so i'm feeling semi-productive. oh, and i've just eaten some chocolate (a homemade bounty bar that i made yesterday). chocolate always gets my endorphins going. needless to say, i'm having a happy moment. some days i feel like i need to keep track of these moments, if only to remind myself that they do happen every day. so. i guess that makes this moment noted.

saying all the right things

2011-09-27T14:13:00.000-06:00

i have been absolutely overwhelmed by positive feedback. there have been messages and emails pouring in to me that all make me tear up a little. some are telling me their own story. some are thanking me for being candid. and others are asking for forgiveness for not noticing what i was going through.

i think what really needs to happen is for me to ask for your forgiveness for lying to you all. i think that mostly i was lying to myself. and i am so thankful for all the support; it makes me realize that speaking up really is the right thing to do.

this is just the tip of the iceberg (so to speak) but here are some snippets of messages i've received (anonymously, of course!):

...I used to think that being uber busy & Martha Stewart & successful & on every committee etc. was a good thing. Now I've learned that it's frowned upon (in many circles) to be that over-the-top. My depression manifests in physical pain and rage among other things. I tell EVERYBODY. My philosophy is that if you are diabetic and take medications, people around you know that (and deal with it). If you have a broken leg and go to physio, people around you know that (and deal with it). I take medication and go to a psychiatrist so, people know that (and deal with it).

...Let the dishes pile up... let the kids eat cheerios for lunch... have them stay in their room for play time while you read a book in the bathroom... do whatever it takes. ASK FOR HELP.

...I wish I could help you somehow, but it feels like there's not much I can do from [here]. If there is something let me know! ... I'm glad you are sharing and bringing awareness!

...I just wanted to tell you that I am really enjoying reading your blog.

...I'm glad you are writing again.

...Love love love your new blog post and what you had to say about PPD. You will really open many eyes and create awareness for a lot of people. Kudos to you!! I wish it was a topic everyone was open to taking about, and I hope one day we can get there!!! Big hugs to you, you should be very proud of yourself!!

...I was both encouraged and challenged by your stories.

...Please forgive me for not seeing beyond the "pasted" smile.

...Your honesty is a breath of fresh air... We spend too much time making people feel like they have something 'wrong' with them, especially because it isn't comfortable to talk about it with each other.

all i can say is wow. it is your encouragement that has kept me going this past week. after feeling so vulnerable and having many moments of blogger's remorse, i think i have done the right thing. i've learned that asking for help and accountability is never wrong. we need to be more honest with each other. we've gotten too comfortable with passing by one another saying, "hey, how are you?" i'm good." and leaving it at that. how will we ever get to know each other if we never answer honestly?

here's my honest answer:

i'm doing okay. i've had a rough few years but i'm bouncing back and i feel better than i have in a long time...
how are you?

did you know?

2011-09-23T20:19:00.000-06:00

now that i've made this blog more public, i feel exposed and yet liberated. and i feel like i have a platform for my cause (that was the point, i guess). so here i am, ready to dispel any preconceived notions you may have about postpartum depression and what it may or may not entail.

i'm aware that there are many misconceptions surrounding this illness. i was very misguided myself. but now that i've been through it and am coming out the other side, there are a few things i need you to know.

did you know that depression manifests differently for every person, depending on their genetic makeup? this is one reason that it is so difficult to diagnose. among some of the symptoms are anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anger, rage, irritability, lack of bonding with baby, intrusive thoughts, mania, panic attacks, perfectionism, self-doubt, and difficulty making decisions.

in other words, depression does not always equal sadness.

also. the reasons for postpartum depression vary. it can be genetics or a family history of mental illness, or a bad childbirth experience. or maybe there's no reason at all. we don't always know what causes illnesses.

in my case, family history definitely played a role. i was completely unaware of this fact until a few months ago. it's something that just doesn't come up in casual conversation, but boy is it good to know! if i had known sooner, perhaps i would have pursued my current method of treatment sooner.

and did you know that "more women will suffer from postpartum depression and related illnesses this year than the combined number of new cases for men and women of tuberculosis, leukemia, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease and epilepsy" ? (see full stats at source here) that's alot. it is estimated that 1.3 million american women suffer annually. in other words, 1 in 7 mothers. one in seven!

this is a serious issue and it deserves more attention. i need to stand up for all the mothers who feel they cannot stand for themselves. will you stand with me?

blessed frustration

2011-09-21T16:36:00.003-06:00

it is absolutely uncanny how my children seem to have a sixth sense about when i've washed the floors. or vacuumed, for that matter. there's almost no point in doing it, because as soon as i do, i end up doing it several more times in the next couple days, just to maintain the illusion that it was clean all along.

it's almost as bad as how they seem to get louder when you're on the phone, or that they always happen to fill their diapers just as you're heading out the door. or when they dump out every toy they own two minutes before daddy walks in the door, completely negating all the times we've tidied up throughout the day. or when they have every excuse to get up after you tuck them in at night.

when it comes down to it, maybe they just want our attention. a friend of mine posted this on facebook the other day:

tonight i feel so blessed to have 3 beautiful children that love me and love spending time with me. they all fought for my attention tonight as i was trying to put them to bed and [my husband] was doing homework. i felt myself getting frustrated but God planted the thought that these moments are fleeting and to stop and soak it up. so i did and i feel blessed!

i just had to reply to that, telling her i had had a similar thing happen to me that very day and that i did not come to the same conclusion that she did at the time. i was thankful to be reminded of that, because she was so right - we are blessed.

small things

2011-09-17T22:20:00.000-06:00

here's something cool. i submitted a comment at postpartum progress (an awesome resource for people like me), and i ended up being one of fourteen women who were featured as faves! see if you can find my six words.

also, i'm also featured there as a warrior mom. can you see me and my boys?

for them

2011-09-17T10:10:00.000-06:00

i love watching my kids sleep. each night, before i head to bed myself, i make sure they're both covered up and that dimples isn't hanging off the edge of his bed. after all the commotion that happens during the day, it's nice to see them so peaceful.

last night i sat there for several minutes, and i was reminded that they are what i'm fighting for. they are the reason that i sought proper treatment. they are the reason i strive to eliminate the stigma surrounding mood disorders. i want their home to be a happy place.

and if it means swallowing my pride and some pills, then so be it.

perfect

2011-09-15T14:48:00.004-06:00

today is a perfect day. weather-wise, i mean. the sky is a brilliant shade of blue, there's just a hint of wind, the sun is warm and the air is slightly crisp.

and if you thrive in chaos, then it would have been a perfect day for you in our house. after dealing with a feverish mr. cheeks (poor guy is getting four molars at once!) and a bouncy dimples (where on earth does that kid get his energy?!), i cleaned up the spray of yogurt that covered the dining room, and baked 10 dozen biscuits for our seminary lunch today. i also badly burned my left hand while baking, making everything else i did today difficult.

at eight thirty, i finally sat down with a handful of grapes, a tub of yogurt and a large cup of coffee and checked my email. i only had time to finish the grapes and half the cup of coffee before more chaos ensued. i dressed both kids, cleaned up poop, put mr. cheeks down for a nap, snuck in a shower, got myself ready, gave dimples a snack (he likes to graze in the morning... at least he's eating these days), packed the diaper bag, the biscuits, a bag lunch for the kids and a snack for dimples to take to preschool.

by this time it's ten thirty and time to leave. i have not yet eaten breakfast and mr. cheeks is still asleep. i drag him out of bed, change him, and make dimples go on the toilet while i'm getting shoes on mr. cheeks. i'm throwing bags and kids around like an expert juggler, and we're off to chapel. chapel then lunch then straight to preschool.

i have now had a glorious hour to myself, as mr. cheeks has his second nap of the day. i have accomplished nothing and i feel no guilt about this... that is, until it comes time to make dinner and i realize i have nothing planned. frozen pizza it is!

oh, life - one minute at a time. never would i claim to be a perfect mom, but today has been a good day.

did i mention that it's the perfect day outside?

no peace or quiet

2011-09-14T09:37:00.000-06:00

i can hear this loud, irritating, beeping noise and i think it must be in my head, because i'm crazy like that. so i ask dimples if he can hear it too, and he can. then i wonder if it's going to wake up mr. cheeks, which would totally tick me off since he was up all night teething. screaming, wailing, moaning, writhing... molars are doing a number on him, which in turn is doing a number on us all. this morning nap may be the best sleep he gets all day and i don't want to ruin that.

upon some investigation i discover that the beeping is coming from the basement, directly under our bedroom. it appears that our renters have left their alarm clock on. *sigh* it's going to be a long day.

slipping

2011-09-12T19:51:00.003-06:00

just when you think you've got this crazy thing licked, a day like today happens. today was a bad, bad day. from an outside point of view, i'm sure it looked like everything was fine. nothing that any parent of small children doesn't deal with on a day-to-day basis.

but from inside my messed up mind, everything was crashing down around me. i felt dizzy. not physically dizzy, but dizzy in my mind. and the room was spinning.

mr. cheeks wouldn't nap. dimples was whining about something different every ten seconds. there were toys and books everywhere. the kitchen was an absolute disaster. the dirty laundry was piled up in the hallway because i hadn't made it to the laundry room yet. there was snack food pasted onto the kitchen floor. the house reeked of baby poop. and mr. cheeks wouldn't stop screaming. i was overtired. i felt sick to my stomach. i couldn't make any of it stop and i couldn't make any of it better.

so i did what any abnormal person would do: i curled up into a fetal position on the floor. and the thought that kept running through my head was, "get up. you can do this." but my body wouldn't respond. then i wondered if i had forgotten to take my medication last night, even though i could specifically remember doing so.

then i thought about getting in the car without the kids and driving away. and that scared me, because that was the thought that plagued me the most when i went through postpartum depression the first time around. i hadn't had that this time. this time it's been different. and having that thought so prevalent in my mind today terrified me because i felt like i'd taken so many steps forward only to have fallen right back to where i was three years ago.

i just couldn't let myself slip back that far.

so i got up. i got up and i hugged dimples, who had asked me, "what's wrong, babe?", using the nickname tim has for me. i hugged him long and hard and i said, "mommy doesn't feel good right now. sometimes mommy gets sad." to which he replied, "i'll make you feel better by hugging you." and it did. it did make me feel better. so i went and got mr. cheeks out of his crib and i took them both for a walk, away from the mess that awaited me. and i cleared my head in the crisp morning air.

i know the saying is "one day at a time". but on days like today, you have to take it one minute at a time. or you might lose yourself to the dark side.

press on

2011-09-11T07:58:00.000-06:00

it is incredible to me how much different my life is now that i'm starting to feel mentally healthy. it's also incredible to me how unaware of mental health issues you can be. everything gets chalked up to being 'in a funk' or 'having a bad day' or hypersomnia or some such thing. but bad days shouldn't last for three years. they shouldn't even last three months. so how do you get help for something when you don't even know if it's real?

that's a whole other topic for a whole other day.

at any rate, it's obvious to me that my current treatment is working. lately i have been more social and outgoing than ever. i rarely yell or stomp away and slam doors. and as much as i wish my children would sleep better at night and sleep in longer, i am no longer wishing to spend my day in bed, ignoring the world around me. it's kind of liberating, actually. it's nice to know that there really was something physiologically wrong with you that was somewhat beyond your control. it's comforting to know that even though there is something wrong with you, that there's really nothing wrong with you.

and so i press on, toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

the view from here

2011-09-08T10:11:00.000-06:00

there are some things i just love about my life, and this is one of them.

if you look really close, you'll see my two kids in their sandbox.

it's their happy place, and i'm in mine.

the little things

2011-09-07T09:56:00.002-06:00

a dear friend of mine, who lives only one block away, took the time & effort to mail this to me before she left on holidays this summer. these simple words carried me for a long time.

the "little something" that she attached was an itunes gift card, which i used to buy the new owl city album - i knew that it would pick me up when i needed a little boost. it doesn't take much to support someone with a mood disorder, and for that i am thankful.

out of the dark

2011-09-06T13:26:00.003-06:00

in some of my darkest days, i found the strength to write. the few words i did write amaze me somehow, because was so hard for me to describe what i was going through. and yet those words are a glimpse into my depressive state, and a reminder of how far i've come, even in the last few months.

here is a sampling:

i can't go on like this. it's no way to live. rage boils inside of me over the silliest little things. sadness encompasses me like a fog, for no apparent reason. it often hits me completely out of the blue and lasts for hours, even days. i don't ever want to get out of bed.

i don't want my children to remember me like this. i yell and scream and slam doors, all the while telling myself not to do those things. it's like i'm watching from outside my body, unable to control my actions.

i don't know what to do about this. medication seems like a viable option at this point, but one i'm still unsure of.saw my doctor today and expressed my concerns. i've brought it up with her before and she understands. she gave me a prescription. we'll see how it goes.

i then went on to chronicle the side effects of the first drug i took. after three months of migraines and insomnia, i tried something else. now, i am sleeping. this is huge. i feel like a completely different person than i was even 5 weeks ago, when i started this other drug.

the drugs are only the beginning of recovery for me. i need to break out of the patterns i've developed, i need to gain back motivation, and most of all i need to just enjoy being a mom to my kids.

someone else's story

2011-09-05T09:16:00.001-06:00

sometimes i struggle with finding words. i never used to have a problem with that, but now my brain is a little... slower, or something. i take longer to process now, and i blame the ppd for that. i also have difficulty concentrating and making decisions. it really sucks.

anyhow, i keep bumping into this woman's story, and it's so much like mine (we even have the same name!) that i thought i'd share it here: what every woman should know about postpartum depression and here: the benefits of brutal honesty.

it's nice for me to be reminded that i'm not the only one who has experienced ppd this way.

mealtime maladies

2011-09-02T14:42:00.001-06:00

our one-year-old, mr. cheeks, will eat anything. put it in front of him and soon enough it will end up in his mouth. or at least, he'll make a concerted effort to get it there. cleaning up after him is one of the grossest parts of my daily routine, but at least i know he's eating.

dimples (our three-year-old) however, is completely disinterested in food. i practically have to shove food down his throat at mealtimes just so that i don't worry about him wasting away.

i always give dimples less food than i give to mr. cheeks, and even still, mr. cheeks is the only one who ever asks for more. often times i make a meal specifically because i know that dimples loves it, only to have him whine and kick and even scream that he's "not going to eat that!" or "i want something that isn't that!"

"but you love that," i say. and he responds with, "no, it's grodey."

grodey. a word i regret using around dimples, but a word my dad would have laughed to hear him say. it makes me chuckle, so i drop the issue, hoping he'll realize how hungry he is, and initiate eating on his own.

*sigh* will it ever end? or is it just that some people just plain don't like to eat? is it a three-year-old defiance thing? will this aversion to food happen to mr. cheeks when he turns three? i guess only time will tell. in the meantime, i'm going to try not to let it stress me out. it's not like he's unhealthy or anything.

the story

2011-09-01T09:51:00.001-06:00

once upon a time there was a girl who had everything. then she gained something more (a wonderful husband) and lost something important (her dad). then that girl and her wonderful husband had a baby boy and the girl was missing the grandpa that the baby boy would never have. the girl was sad and happy all at the same time.

then that girl and her little family moved to a new town, away from family and friends, where she knew no one and her wonderful husband was gone all day long. the girl felt very alone.

when baby boy was eight months old, the girl stopped nursing and something crazy started to happen with her hormones, but she was unaware of it. the girl cried all the time and thought daily about killing herself. she knew she would never actually do such a thing, but wondered if baby boy and wonderful husband would be better off without such a miserable person in the house. the girl went to a counselor for help, and was told she was grieving the loss of her dad and the separation of her support system.

this was only partly true.

the girl continued to cry and contemplate leaving or dying. the girl prayed to and screamed at God. the girl felt she did everything she could but nothing would bring her out of her funk. she pasted on a smile so no one would ask her questions.

fast forward a year and a half. the girl has put on a lot of weight and still feels miserable and alone. and she still has a pasted on smile. getting out of bed every day is a struggle. the girl has trouble concentrating and a complete lack of motivation.

the girl gets pregnant again and feels better emotionally than she has in a long, long time. she wonders if she's happy because she just really wanted another baby that badly, or if there is something chemical happening inside her brain. pushing those thoughts out of her mind, thinking that it doesn't matter, the girl has a great year and loses lots of weight despite being pregnant.

fast forward again. another baby boy is born and the 'baby blues' is a term she is hearing more and more among medical professionals. the girl thinks she might have the baby blues, but they don't seem to be going away. so the girl starts her own research on postpartum depression. the girls learns that depression is physiological and does not only happen to 'weak-minded' people, as she once thought. she learns that mood disorders are a serious issue and need to be treated as such. then she finds a wonderful book, called 'living beyond postpartum depression' that is informative and encouraging.

the girl realizes that most of her mood problems started after weaning baby boy #1. she suspects this may happen with baby #2, and is afraid to quit nursing. she seeks counseling again, this time expressing her concerns about the misdiagnosis from the first time around. this counselor is much more helpful and recommends walking through this with her doctor.

so the girl continues to meet with her doctor and her counselor and sure enough, when she weans at eight months, her hormones cause catastrophe. only this time, it's different.

this time, she is fueled by rage. this time, every little thing makes her irritable. this time, she hates herself more than ever. the girl does not want her children to remember her as an angry person, but she just can't stop yelling and screaming. she just wants to be alone.

the girl has no reason to be angry. she is loved and wants for nothing.

because the girl is not sad, she wonders if it can actually be depression. doesn't depression = sad?

the girl does more research. the girl learns that there are many levels of depression that do not include sadness. for example, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, psychosis and... irritability. rage.

this is where the story gets better. the girl, who is the kind of person who only takes a painkiller when she cannot function otherwise, prays about trying an anti-depressant. to the girl, this is scary and not a decision to make lightly.

the doctor is very encouraging. four months in, and two different drugs later, the girl starts to feel like she is getting back to normal (whatever normal is).

the girl decides that no one needs to suffer as long as she did, not knowing how to fix it because social stigma declares that anti-depressants are only for 'crazy people'. the girl wants everyone to realize that you would never hesitate to treat infections, so why hesitate to treat an off-balanced brain? the girl decides to write, honestly, about being a wife and mom and postpartum depression sufferer as a way of self-therapy and also to perhaps be an encouragement to other moms.

and this isn't the end for the girl. it is a new beginning.

the new me

2011-08-30T09:03:00.002-06:00

i have been blogging for seven years and yet not once have i actually, really, been honest about myself. that is about to change. for this blog's seventh birthday, it's getting a face lift and a revival.

are you ready for it?

and i quote:

2011-02-24T09:15:00.001-06:00

"perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best ... perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. it's a shield. perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight." ~ brene brown

doesn't this make 'perfect' sense?

a song on my mind

2010-09-30T09:57:00.005-06:00

Please excuse me, I'm not thinking clear

It must just be stress
But I likely shouldn't be here, I'm such a mess

I never really ever know what to say
When all of my emotions get in the way
I'm just trying to get us on the same page

I always get it better right afterward
When all the wrong impressions are said and heard
How come I can never get the right words

I need to convey (Wish I could explain)

The things that I have to work out
I don't feel right
What has come over me?

I'm about to lose my mind

I never really ever know what to say
When all of my emotions get in the way
I'm just trying to get us on the same page (Wish I could explain)

I always get it better right afterward
When all the wrong impressions are said and heard
How come I can never get the right words,

I need to convey

Wish I could explain

Can I let the trees do the talking?
Can I let the ground do the walking?
Can I let the sky fill what's missing?
Can I let my mouth do the listening?

The listening

I never really ever know what to say
When all of my emotions get in the way
I'm just trying to get us on the same page

I always get it better right afterward
When all the wrong impressions are said and heard
How come I can never get the right words

I need to convey
Wish I could explain
What I mean to say

~ lights

6

2010-09-08T08:15:00.002-06:00

after a year-long hiatus, i am blogging again. not here, though; here: growingupmac.blogspot.com. it's a private blog, but i think almost everyone who has access to this blog has access to that one. if not, just ask me and i'll send you an invite.

in other news, this blog is six years old now. yikes.

done?

2009-09-07T14:03:00.002-06:00

this blog is officially 5 years old.

and it has un-officially died.

catch ya later, kids.

weirdos for sale

2009-08-10T13:18:00.004-06:00

a few weeks ago i was in the yard playing with seth, when a young girl (no older than 14) approached me in the driveway. she says to me, 'hi, i'm from such-n-such seafood market" and she proceeded to go into this sales pitch. "you name it, we've got it" she says. and as she spoke, a beat-up old truck slows down in front of our house. "oh, that's my dad" she says. and then i notice something weird: there is a deep freeze in the box of the truck, chained down so it doesn't slide around.

they were selling seafood, door-to-door, out of a deep freeze in the back of their truck.

that's just weird. needless to say, i politely declined and sent them on their merry way.

and then yesterday, tim and i were driving down the freeway and spotted an suv with a long, low-bed trailer attached to it. there was one small pet carrier in this trailer, bungied down so it doesn't slide around. as we got closer, i tried to peer into the cage to see if there was actually anything in it, thinking it must be a skunk or something if the driver didn't want it in their vehicle. i didn't see anything inside. but what i did see was a hand-written sign on the window that read, "pug puppies for sale".

they were selling puppies out of their trailer.

people just get weirder and weirder.

the marriage box

2009-07-30T08:46:00.003-06:00

and yet another thing i can't take credit for:
just a truthful tidbit and friendly reminder that i read yesterday...

Most people get married believing a myth - that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things we have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. And that somehow the box mysteriously remains full of those goodies.
We believe the marriage license is the key to this box. We can take from it as much as we want, and it somehow mysteriously remains full.

The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. If you do not put into the box more than you can take out, it becomes empty.

There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put love into marriage. Romance, consideration, generosity aren't in marriage; they are in people, and people put them into the marriage box.

After marriage, we start to empty the box, believing our spouse will fill it again. But it won't happen, at least not for long. The box gets empty, disappointment sets in, and the relationship takes a nosedive.

When the box gets empty, we become vulnerable for an affair or divorce.

A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising - keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will become empty.

Love is something you do - an activity directed toward your mate. It takes two to keep the box full.

~ Walt Larimore, His Brain, Her Brain

for days when you feel like a whale

2009-07-27T08:36:00.003-06:00

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy; we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, 'Good gosh, look how smart I am!'

one fail and one win

2009-06-19T21:45:00.003-06:00

my own additions for fail blog.

FAIL.

Who puts that as their license plate?!

And a WIN!

This sign always makes me laugh, however inappropriate it may be.

of all the crazy things...

2009-06-02T07:58:00.002-06:00

i'm not one to pass on email forwards but this is one i just had to share.

so, for your entertainment, here are some of the world's weirdest buildings.

wooden gagster house (archangelsk, russia) & erwin wurm: house attack (vienna, austria)

the ufo house (sanjhih, taiwan) & cubic houses (rotterdam, netherlands)

habitat 67 (montreal) & the basket building (ohio)

kansas city public library (missouri) and crooked house (sopot, poland)

and last but not least, one i have actually seen in real life,
wonderworks (orlando)

rage of the road

2009-05-25T08:56:00.004-06:00

i think that everyone should be required to re-take their driver's license test every so often, because it seems to me that people have just forgotten how to drive! no one signals anymore, no one shoulder checks anymore, and people think that if they drive faster and more agressively than you, that you should just get out of their way! especially people in trucks. tim and i have a special name for those people, which i will not utter here.

it's annoying, not to mention dangerous. and now that i have a kid in the car with me, i am even more aware of the moronic people that are on the road. maybe it's just better if i just stay home.

so, you want kids?

2009-05-07T09:36:00.004-06:00

Someone at work sent this to Tim yesterday, with the caption: "in an effort to curb the baby boom". the whole thing is pretty funny (and way too true!), but the parts i found funniest are in red.

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

for stay at home moms

2009-04-29T14:13:00.008-06:00

it sickens me how much flak women get for choosing to stay at home with their kids. there seems to be very little respect for us, and those who have never done it can't fathom that we do anything more than watch oprah and eat bon-bons (which i'll admit i have done - but everyone deserves a coffee break). they have no idea how much thought goes into every minute of every day and how emotionally (and often physically) draining it can sometimes be. and there is no such thing as a day off or quitting time. it's twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

i came across something in the most recent issue of chatelaine magazine (my mother-in-law subscribes...) that totally irked me. it said this regarding stay-at-home moms finding value(and i quote): "remind yourself that you're good at more than just wiping runny noses and boost your self-worth to the point where you can face the job market." come on! like we are only worth something if we are getting paid.

well, i'll tell you, if i were 'working' right now, every penny i made would go towards day-care. so do i really want to bust my hump for someone else just to have strangers look after my kid? absolutely not. (now, if you can make enough that it is worthwhile to you, or if you're just the type of person who needs to be away from the family during the day, then by all means, work. but this is about me right now. it is my blog, afterall.)

and in the spirit of encouragement and validation, i'm going to share something that the mentoring-mom at my moms & tots group wrote to our group this morning:

In a culture where we are told you can have it all and the lack of recognition society gives to the ones who make a choice to be at home, you each have shown me that you recognize the long term benefit of serving your families in the way that you are able to be the primary care taker of your children. You have made a financially difficult choice and one almost frowned upon in society today. But - be validated!!!

I am so encouraged in the choices you have made to be attentive to your families. NEVER forget that what you do is the most wonderful choice for your kids. You will never regret the hours fixing scraped knees, sleepless nights to comfort a child, or being there to accept a wet kiss and a bundle of drooping dandelions. You may one day regret having set this option aside for a career.

From my vantage point, with kids on the verge of launching, I recognize the very exhausting and longs days you have, but wow! The years have gone quickly. I have stretch marks that rival any road map, grey hair accumulating quickly and pounds that make my lap lovable. But, I was there - to take in the quiet moments, to love my kids through their frustrations, to see their individual milestones, to learn each child's personality so that I can pray for them specifically. I don't regret that for a split second. No amount of money could lure me to change the way it was.

Carry on. Teach them the way. Be diligent. And when it seems overwhelming or frustrating - think down the road about 18 years. What kind of a relationships do you want? One with your boss - or one where the kids call home and share their hearts with you?

two reasons i smile every day

2009-04-07T10:07:00.000-06:00

hm.

2009-04-02T10:28:00.002-06:00

i finally get this blog looking uber sweet and i seem to have lost all inspiration to write.

...or maybe it's just that i'd rather do other things. like play with my kid. he's so amazing.

what a week

2009-03-14T16:00:00.003-06:00

friday/saturday. two of my sisters and my nephew came to visit. it was good times and seth started walking (!!) while they were here. woohoo!

sunday - seth got his first molar and had his first big puke. we thought the two were related, because i have a cousin (yes you, ginn!) who, as a baby, would puke every time she got a tooth. but perhaps they were unrelated, because...

monday - i started to puke. and then tim started to puke. and then it started coming out both ends. sometimes at the same time (you're welcome for that mental image). most violent flu i can ever remember having. yick.

tuesday/wednesday - the very minute we were feeling better we had to disinfect our entire house because my grandparents were coming to spend the night with us. i would have felt just awful if i'd passed on that flu to them. cleaning house is the last thing you want to be doing while recovering from the flu. but it was worth it, and we had a good time with grandma and grandpa.

thursday - spent most of the day in bed. so tired.

friday - fondue! got together with some new friends (yay!) - and who doesn't love fondue?!

today - weather finally smartened up. went for a lovely walk. i think i'm finally recovered from monday. now on to other things...

hidden treasure

2009-03-05T20:35:00.008-06:00

for the last week or more we have been missing two of our four remotes. we searched our entire house several times over - literally every nook and cranny - and came up empty. but we had this nagging feeling that they were in the couch. even though we had checked at least a dozen times (no exaggeration), we decided to check again. this is when tim noticed that if he put a little weight on the seat, there was a lot more space that opened up at the back.

now, i can swear to you that i had already put my hand in that couch as far as i could and found nothing. it took the two of us - one to stand on the couch, and the other to reach in - to find what was in there.

and boy, was there treasure!

toys we've been missing for months, a book we have been missing since we moved, a soother that has been missing since before we moved... and tada! both remotes. and then i just had to take a picture of our treasure, to remind myself to look deeper next time.

life in technicolour ii

2009-03-03T20:28:00.003-06:00

i came across this new coldplay video yesterday... it's one of the most random videos i have ever seen. but such a great song. i always wondered what the lyrics to the original life in technicolour would be...

a good reminder...

2009-03-02T09:04:00.001-06:00

almost there...?

2009-02-22T21:18:00.002-06:00

still a work in progress.

me, i mean. not the layout.

although the same holds true for the layout.

under construction

2009-02-02T07:06:00.001-06:00

back in a while.

umm... okay.

2009-01-19T15:19:00.004-06:00

there's a large field beyond the treeline in our backyard.

yesterday i looked out the back door and this is what i saw:

two people sitting in lawn chairs in the field.

interesting way to enjoy the nicer weather.

kudos to them, i guess.

off my chest

2009-01-18T08:39:00.006-06:00

i am angry with God. it's taken me a while to realize that is what's been weighing me down and it's hard to admit, but there it is.

today my dad would be forty-eight. would be.

and i'm upset that he isn't. and i've been burying that for almost two years.

it's like the feeling that someone you love has somehow wronged you and you can't stand to be in the same room with them for a while. though my faith in Him has never wavered nor has my love for Him ever waned. i just don't know how to not be angry. and i feel like somehow i'm expected to spring back from such a tragic loss without any scars.

i know that somehow God has a better plan for me in all of this mess. but it's one thing to know something and quite another to live it. and i know that the problem is actually me. i know that God still loves me; i can feel it through my incredible husband or when i hold my son, who loves to wrap his arms around my neck and kiss my cheek. i know that He still blesses me; i have more than i could ever need. and i hear Him calling to me all the time. i just don't know how to turn my face towards him when i feel such emptiness where my dad should be.

it's time for me to be done with this.

won't You take this life?
won't You change this life?
won't You come and make me whole?
~ shawn mcdonald

last year

2009-01-14T08:09:00.003-06:00

stole this from my cousin ginn.

what did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
um, gave birth?

did you keep your new year's resolutions?
i don't think i had any...

did anyone close to you give birth?
besides me? actually yes. several of my friends also had babies last year.

did anyone close to you die?
no, fortunately.

what countries did you visit?
just canada. went to ottawa for my brother-in-law's wedding.

what would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more money, thinner body; what everyone wants.

what was your biggest achievement of the year?
becoming a mom.

what was your biggest failure?
um... i don't know. i guess that's a good thing!

did you suffer illness or injury?
besides the massive tears from giving birth? no.

what was the best thing you bought?
baby stuff. and a new computer.

where did most of your money go?
baby things, rent. (good thing we moved because who can afford to live in saskatoon anymore?)

what did you get really, really, really excited about?
having a baby. boy, this is redundant.

what song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
anything off the albums blink by plumb and viva la vida by coldplay.

compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? a bit of both.
b) thinner or fatter? definitely fatter. having a baby does that to (normal) people.
c) richer or poorer? definitely poorer. living off mat leave & student loans does not constitute being rich.

what do you wish you'd done more of?
socializing. i became a hermit.

how did you spend new year's eve?
i actually went to a party, for the first time since... well, since i can remember.

did you fall in love in 2008?
yes. i fall in love with tim every day, and of course with my son.

what was the best book you read?
'jesus wants to save christians' by rob bell.

what was your greatest musical discovery?
nothing new, really... but i really loved the new albums by coldplay & snow patrol.

what was your favorite film of this year?
dark knight. no contest.

what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 28, and i was in saskatoon with my family. it was great. oh, and i bought myself a blizzard cake from dq, which my brother-in-law proceeded to polish off. gr.

ding dong the witch is dead

2009-01-13T09:37:00.003-06:00

after catching the little girl next door red-handed twice yesterday, tim went out and asked her personally to stop. she denied it at first, of course, like she had with me a few days earlier. tim, in his kindly way, told her that we knew it was her because we'd seen her do it and would appreciate if she'd stop because it wakes the baby. he also told her he knows it's a fun thing to do when you're her age but she has to think about the baby. then she apologized. and just like that, the doorbell ringing stopped.

if only we'd caught her sooner. we knew it was her all along, but you can't just go accusing someone of something unless you're absolutely sure.

and i'm positive that if i had been the one to go out and talk to her, it wouldn't have ended so well. good thing for calm, cool, collected husbands.

our house this week

2009-01-11T19:48:00.005-06:00

the other night tim and i played scrabble in bed (and no, that is not inuendo for anything). for christmas, i received the travel version of scrabble that has snap-in tiles (not that i needed another version of it; i already had two), so we thought we might as well get comfy to play it. we had so much fun that i decided to keep it on my bedside table so we can do it again. sounds lame, i know. but i like it that way.

lately i have been running around the house cleaning up after seth. it's exhausting. he's at that stage where he pulls things out of cupboards and whatnot, but doesn't yet know how to put them away. i can only pull him away and say 'no-no' so many times. i have to pick my battles. besides, he needs to discover the world, even if that world includes my kitchen cupboards and cd shelves.

also, the kid next door is starting to piss me off. she's been ringing our doorbell and running away. knock-knock ginger or whatever you want to call it. it started four months ago and at first it was like, 'haha very funny, good one, you got us.' and it was only once a week or so. now, it's twice a day. at least. and it's not funny anymore. especially when it's nine o'clock at night and she's waking up the baby. besides, at thirteen (or whatever she is), she's too old for that crap.

photo tagged

2009-01-06T17:36:00.005-06:00

marina tagged me a while back, but since i was away from home without access to my own files, i couldn't post until now. so this is the fifth picture in my fifth folder.

i thought it was cool how it just happens to be a picture of my dad and me. twenty-eight years ago. sweet, eh?

meh, bleh and blah.

2008-12-30T09:40:00.002-06:00

i've been a lame blogger lately. but when you're away from home and using others' computers, it's hard to find the time. or the inspiration.

it's been a weird few weeks. good, but weird. we've been living at my in-laws for the last two weeks (with a short stint at my mom's somewhere in the middle). i enjoy staying here, but after a while you just crave your own bed and kitchen and computer and other general space.

so until i have that back next week, i am afraid this blog will remain dormant once again.

advent conspiracy

2008-12-24T12:00:00.005-06:00

i know many of you have probably already seen this video, but it is really worth seeing and i had to post it. plus, this one has canadian statistics (instead of american ones).

so watch. and think about it. but not only that, do something about it.
that's my challenge to you this christmas.

dear God

2008-12-20T12:40:00.003-06:00

perpetually awake

2008-12-12T09:06:00.002-06:00

it is amazing to me how little sleep the body needs in order to function. i am sure that by now i am clinically insane.

today

2008-12-04T18:32:00.005-06:00

today after venturing out in the cold to attend chapel, we cozied up inside.

i drank hot chocolate and cross-stitched

while seth played in a box for a half hour.

we then spent an hour playing games in front of the mirror. he loves that.

hanging out with him really does make my day, every day.

28

2008-11-30T08:37:00.002-06:00

this is what i woke up to this morning. so sweet.

snowflake reconnoissance

2008-11-25T19:50:00.002-06:00

today's garfield made me laugh so i had to share it.

now.

2008-11-17T08:56:00.002-06:00

here's something interesting for your monday morning.

gender bender

2008-11-13T19:36:00.003-06:00

i saw a link on msn.ca today that drove me crazy: 'pregnant man expecting again'.

what drives me crazy about it is that this 'man' is not a man! 'he' was born a woman, has a woman's innards and even delivered the first child naturally. these things, to me, constitute a woman. but beacuse we are such a politically correct society, we'll call 'him' what 'he' wants to be called.

thousands of women are getting pregnant and giving birth every day, and you don't see every one of their stories in the news now, do you?

for karina...

2008-11-02T16:32:00.004-06:00

...because i didn't get her a birthday present - haha :)

she tagged me, so here it is:

i am... proud of my son.

i want... to go on a date with my husband sometime soon.

i have... everything i need and more.

i wish... my dad was still with us.

i know... a lot of random crap.

i hate... disrespect.

i fear... losing another loved one.

i hear...animal sounds from the fisher price farm that seth is playing with.

i crave... french fries, and it drives tim crazy.

i search... for good deals.

i always... call my mom on her birthday.

i usually... am in bed before ten p.m.

i am not... very good at singing, yet people insist i do it.

i miss... being close (geographically) to my family.

i love... my husband and son more than i can express.

i never... thought i'd like living in a small town again. but i do.

i rarely... get to sleep in any more.

i cry... too much.

i lose... way too much hair - post pregnancy hormones got the better of me that way.

i am confused...as to why there is so little common sense in the world.

i should... start scrapbooking again soon.

i worry... about whether or not i am a good mother.

i dream... of a better world for my son to live in.

jim as dwight

2008-10-26T18:29:00.003-06:00

the office has become tim's and my favourite show. we didn't get into it at first because it's the kind of show that you need to see from the beginning of the series. and missing an episode causes you to miss a lot of the humor in further episodes. so we've been catching up and having many late night office marathons (well, if you call eleven o'clock late...)

so i decided i needed to share our favourite clip thus far. it's just so hilarious.

slumbering along

2008-10-18T13:25:00.008-06:00

while we were leaving town yesterday to get groceries, we noticed a woman standing at the side of the road, waving. we slowed down to see what was up, and ended up giving her a ride into moose jaw.

it turns out this woman is iraqi, attended seminary in jordan and apparently God sent her to caronport to be a missionary.

now, caronport has got to be the most christian-ized place in all of canada. camrose is a bit of a bubble that way, but caronport is even more so. likely because ninety-eight percent of the people that live here are in some way affiliated with either the bible college & seminary or the christian school. and i'm sure the other two percent live here because they want their kids growing up in this sort of town. so this is the last place i would have expected God to send missionaries to. i've heard of africans coming to north america to try and wake up the church. but to a town that is primarily christian already?

it really maked me think about how complacent we really are as a church. which is interesting timing for me because i am about to start reading the slumber of christianity by ted dekker. God is funny that way. when He's about to teach me something, He really pounds it into my head.

hopefully i'll get it this time.

subliminal messages

2008-10-13T14:23:00.002-06:00

strck off? i think the 2nd avenue starbucks is trying to tell us something.

one thursday in october

2008-10-02T09:45:00.003-06:00

i have to say, i am overjoyed that it's october and still twenty-seven degrees out. winter is so long here that i am happy to have it put off as long as possible. i think i might take seth to the park today for his first swing ride, seeing as how he can now sit up on his own. i was a bit worried that he wouldn't get to experience the park until after his first birthday, but this great weather has changed all of that.

i also have to say that lately i have been feeling very old and very young at the same time. perhaps it's just the activities i've been doing... for example, sitting in a rocking chair and cross-stitching makes me feel very old. but being part of my mom's group makes me feel young. i think i might be the youngest mother there. people are having kids later and later these days, and i was sure i would be classified as an 'older' mother, being that i had my first kid at twenty-seven. but i think i was only comparing myself to my mother, who was barely nineteen when i was born. either that, or everyone else just appears older, which could bode well for me in the future.

the view from here

2008-09-25T08:54:00.005-06:00

in the morning i sit here and my drink coffee

and i look our the window at our jack johnson tree